


If the Sun Refused to Shine, I Would Still Be Loving You [ON HOLD]

by fluffysmut



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Accidental Cuddling, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Anxiety, Body Dysphoria, Closeted Character, Eating Disorder, Homophobic Language, M/M, NHL All-Star Weekend, NHL RPF, Oops, Partying, Self Harm, Smut, Substance Abuse, and fluff, lots and lots of cute fluff and encouraging words, lots of smut, nhl trade, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-03
Updated: 2017-06-05
Packaged: 2018-10-27 04:10:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10801410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fluffysmut/pseuds/fluffysmut
Summary: Tyler's broken, completely shattered, and there's only one person who can pick up the pieces and put him back together again.





	1. Intro.

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER!!!!!!!  
> this story is going to have a lot of potential triggers so i beg that if you are triggered by cutting, eating disorders, homophobic slurs, or substance abuse, please be safe <3\. I poured a lot of my real-life issues into this story so I hope you guys enjoy and I'm going to try to make updates as quickly as possible. Oh by the way this story is going to be based on a completely made up schedule so bear with me....it's not based on any specific season i'm creating my own, because i wasn't into hockey when tyler got traded so i'm sorry if it confuses some people (title from Thank You by Led Zeppelin)  
> xoxo, stef

Tyler always knew he was a little different. When he was little, he never really acted like the other kids in his class. He was the odd one out. He was always happy, or at least tried to be. Of course he had his bad days, but he would never let anyone see those. He would radiate happiness in front of others, keeping his sadness behind closed doors. He pretended like he was okay, when he was cracking from the inside out. He was only truly happy when he was playing hockey, a sport he had fallen in love with quickly.

It started when he was 5. He was at some distant relative's wedding and was told to go dance with one of the flower girls. But he found d himself sneaking glances at the boys instead. He never believed the whole 'cooties' thing the kids in his class would freak out over. He just didn't get girls. Why do they grow their hair out, why do they cake makeup on to their face, why to they feel the need to paint their nails all the colors of the rainbow, and shave their legs and armpits? He just didn't like the appeal of it. 

It got worse when he turned 13. He was a teenager now. No more cooties, no more "girls are icky". He's supposed to date them now. But he still thought they were icky. At his thirteenth birthday party, his friends had decided to play spin the bottle, since they were 'rebellious teens' now. It had landed on his friend, Hannah, and then his friend Cory. And Tyler realized he had a hell of a lot more fun kissing Cory than he did Hannah. That's when he knew something was wrong.

Tyler buried his feelings deep inside himself. The only time he thought about it were those late nights that he would have nightmares, afraid of someone finding out and abandoning him. He made a promise to himself to never let that happen.

When Tyler got drafted to the NHL, it was all so surreal. It hadn't hit him until his first game, in TD Garden, with a team he'd watched growing up. It became even better when he won the cup. He never had seen himself raising the cup above his head, never mind his first season in the NHL. But it wasn't long after that when those feelings that he had managed to push down for so many years, snaked their way back through his body. Maybe because over the summer he was less focused on hockey. He poured his heart and soul into hockey when he entered high school, he didn't have time to think about anything else. It was eat, sleep, hockey, repeat to him.

Tyler tried, he really tried. He started hooking up with girls in Boston clubs. Getting so drunk the night turns fuzzy. But then he started to like the taste of the alcohol. He started to enjoy drinking. He would wake up with men and women in his bed, remembering arriving to the club, but nothing after. He started to come to practice hungover, sometimes even buzzed. He didn't know how to stop. He felt as though alcohol was his only friend, who wouldn't judge him if he happened to fuck around with guys sometimes.

Tyler started to turn his charm on for everyone. He was determined to get everyone to like him. If that meant hooking up with them? Fine. Taking the most amount of shots after a team win at a bar? More than okay with him. He was gonna fool around if he wanted to. He was a Stanley Cup champion for fucks sake.


	2. I Gotta Get Better

Tyler didn’t mean to miss the team breakfast, he really didn’t. The truth is he forgot about it, completely, until Brad was blowing up his phone in all caps. He told Brad he was sick, which wasn’t a _complete_ lie. He was hungover, badly. He had just kicked out the guy who had spent the night, a blonde cutie who he could’ve sworn looked just like Patrick Kane from behind. It was just a series of unfortunate events. Still, like always, Tyler has no recollection of last night. He always aims for blackout drunk, so no feelings would become attached to anyone he happened to hook up with.

He’s woken up again, this time by his phone ringing. 

“Hello?” he says. his morning voice deep and raspy.

That was the worst phone Tyler could’ve gotten that morning. 

_Traded. At 21 years old. In a seven player trade.To a team that has missed the playoffs for the past 5 years._

Tyler can't believe what he just heard over the phone. The team that he had been to two Stanley Cup Finals with, and won one, traded him away to the Dallas Stars. Just like that. Tyler, again, doesn’t mean what he does, it was probably the dozen drinks he had after the dreaded phone call that caused his fingers to type out:

_Only steers and queers in Texas, and I’m not a cow._

\---

Jamie is making breakfast when his phone rings. It’s his GM.

“Hey, what's up?” Jamie says, putting the phone on speaker.

His GM takes him through the trade, piece by piece. He gives him all of Tyler’s info, and encourages Jamie to at least reach out to him, despite what he’d just told Jamie about him.

_Make the transition easy on him. Welcome him._

Jamie decides the first step to ‘welcoming him’ was to find out more about him. He immediately searches his name, and the first thing that pops up is an article about a tweet he posted this morning.

Jamie sighs when he reads the tweet, “Way to not fuck up your time in Dallas already Tyler.”

Jamie goes to ‘images’ and immediately sees pictures of Tyler at parties, clubs, and bars. He rolls his eyes, quietly chuckling to himself. He scrolls down further, finally finding a decent picture of Tyler. He studies his face, the way his brown eyes sparkle when he smiles. His arms, the way the ink snakes down them and disappears into the sleeves of his jersey. The little stubble he has on his chin. Jamie had to admit he was a good looking guy, and he doesn’t look as bad as he’s made out to be. How can someone that cute be so bad? Jamie closes his laptop and gets back to making his breakfast, but not before entering the phone number that his GM had given him into his phone:

_Tyler Seguin_

\- - -

Tyler hates packing. He can’t stand it. Especially when he has a dog running around unpacking everything that he just put in his suitcase.

“Marshall go lay down or something.” Tyler sighs, picking up a t-shirt that Marshall just unpacked.

Tyler looks at the shirt, a pain forming in his chest when he reads the words: _Bruins Hockey._ He wasn’t a Bruin anymore.

Tyler feels like Marshall took that one just to mock him. He throws the shirt across the room and collapses on to his air mattress, having shipped his bed to Dallas yesterday. And Tyler just lays there. Staring at the ceiling, wondering how things could’ve gone so bad, so quickly. He was just young, and dumb, a stupid rookie who was surrounded by old men who were married, were experienced in the NHL. He was like a lost puppy, he didn’t know his place. He felt like he stuck out like a sore thumb on the Bruins. So yeah, maybe he wasn’t a Bruin anymore, but maybe it was for the best.

Tyler opens his laptop and searches for Jamie Benn highlights on YouTube, the only decent Stars player he’s heard of since he’s been drafted.

\- - -

Jamie waits _days_ before he calls Tyler. He kept putting it off, day after day, until he had no choice. Tyler was flying out _today_ to Dallas and the least he could do was be Tyler’s first friendly face on his new team.

Maybe Jamie was afraid of him. Maybe Jamie was afraid of his ‘party boy’ attitude, and was afraid Tyler would blow him off. Maybe he thought Tyler wouldn’t want a friend, would want to be completely independent. But Jamie was the unofficial-official captain. He had to do it, even though every part of his body was telling him no.

He presses Tyler’s contact slowly, lingering his finger on his phone screen for an unnecessary amount of time.

It rings twice before he picks up.  
“Hello?” Jamie panics. Everything he had planned to say to Tyler had just completely flown out of his head.

“Hey. This is Tyler right?” Jamie sounds like a fucking idiot.

“Yes....Who’s this?”

“It’s Jamie. Jamie Benn. From Dallas-the Stars, I mean.” Jamie says, his palms starting to become clammy and sweaty.

Tyler chuckles a little, “Oh yeah. The man, the myth, the legend. How are you?”

Jamie feels his body become a little lighter at the sound of Tyler’s laugh, that must be a step in the right direction.

Jamie smiles, “I’m good, I’m good. How about you? Feeling okay with everything?”

Tyler pauses, for a long time, after that question. So long that Jamie thinks he hung up.

“To be honest? No. I’m still working on it.” And that wasn’t a complete lie. Tyler had only cried, once, even though he wouldn’t admit it to even himself.

“It’s okay to be-to not be okay. Trade’s are rough, I know.” 

_But you don’t know. Tyler wants to say._

“Yeah….So what makes you call me on this fine day?” Tyler smiles.

Jamie sighs, away from the speaker, he makes sure of that, here it goes.

“I um, I wanted to offer to be, I don’t know, you’re first friend in Dallas.” Jamie says, finding himself laughing at himself.

“Hmmm. Tempting. What can your friendship offer?” Tyler teases, smiling for what seems like the hundredth time during this phone call.

“Well….” Jamie starts.

“I could get you an apartment in my building, I mean only if you want to, I could show you the best places to eat, good bars. I’m pretty bad at NHL so you have a pretty good chance at winning, and I can make a mean Kraft Dinner.” Jamie can’t believe he just babbled like that to Tyler Seguin.

“Kraft Dinner, eh? I think you got me sold there Bennie.” Tyler laughs.

Jamie laughs with him, “Alright then. What time does your flight land? I could pick you up and you could crash at my place until we get you that apartment.”

“Yeah, that sounds good. My stuff’s in storage anyway. Uh, my flight lands at 4:00. Are you okay with dogs?”

“I _love_ dogs.”

When Jamie and Tyler hang up the phone, 25 minutes later, Jamie feels like the biggest weight has been lifted off his chest. He feels 10 times better about this situation than he did a week ago. He thinks this could be a really good thing for both of them.

\- - -

Tyler can’t stop smiling after he hangs up the phone. With every passing minute, he finds himself becoming more eager to meet Jamie. He boards his plane with a smile, after receiving a text from Jamie:

 _Have a safe flight! See you soon :)_

Maybe this won’t be as bad as Tyler made it out to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry these beginning chapters are so bad and short. I've always been bad at writing expositions. I promise that as soon as we get to the juicy parts ;) it'll be better. Also thank you everyone who's bookmarked and left Kudos on this work I appreciate it! xoxo, stef


	3. Just Take The Pain Away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyyyyyy!!! sorry I haven't posted in almost a month...school's been crazy lately with finals coming up and cheer and softball just started again for me, so I've been staying up late writing this and writing it while i'm watching the Stanley Cup Playoffs lol but i hope you enjoy this chapter which was very hard to write (this story probably sucks anyways so I'm sorry it'll get better I promise)!!!!
> 
> *WARNING* this chapter has some heavy stuff in it but it's only for like a second
> 
> *all mistakes are mine*

I’m going to try my best to follow the stars’ season (i’m a devils fan so bear with me)

\- - -

When Tyler arrived in Dallas, he was surprised to see Jamie waiting for him, right outside the terminal, a small, Dallas Stars teddy bear in hand.

He’s even more surprised when Jamie immediately pulls him into a hug, expressing how happy he is to see him, and “Welcome to the south”.

“How was your flight?” Jamie asks, walking beside Tyler towards the baggage claim.

“It was okay, could be better. I’m happy I’m finally here though.” Tyler smiles, half-honestly. He’s happy he’s off the plane, but it’s already too hot, too humid, and all Tyler wants to do is take a nap for the rest of his life. 

Jamie smiles. “Uh, this is for you. I thought it should be your ‘welcome to Dallas’ present.

Jamie hands Tyler the bear slowly, almost unsure of whether Tyler will take it or not, and Tyler takes it, his half-hearted smile turning into a bigger, genuine one.

Tyler laughs, “Thank you, it’s cute.”

As they wait for Tyler’s bags to come around the conveyor, Tyler feels like he should tell Jamie everything. All the ways he’s fucked up inside. So he doesn’t have to be surprised with all his mental issues later. He pushes that thought away almost as quickly as it comes to mind. _Not yet._ He’s not ready to lose Jamie before he even gets to know him.

“So when’s your dog coming?” Jamie asks, shaking Tyler’s thoughts out of his head.

“I’m not sure to be honest. My dog sitter back in Boston is pretty attached to Marshall. She said she’ll probably send him down in about a week.” Tyler laughs.

“That’s good. Believe it or not, we start training next week.” Jamie sighs.

Tyler groans, “Already? I feel like the season just ended.”

“I know me too.”

When the bags finally comes around, Jamie offers to carry them. Tyler doesn’t understand. He doesn’t understand why Jamie’s being so _nice._ After all the lies he’s probably been told about Tyler. Maybe it’s just his captain tendencies. Maybe he feels bad for Tyler. But even if Tyler sleeps with the bear Jamie gives him that day, well, no one needs to know.  
\- - -

It’s not long before Tyler goes back to his tendencies. He misses his friends from Boston, _fuck,_ he misses Boston. Dallas just doesn’t feel right. He has Jamie and his brother Jordie, but he just feels like he doesn’t fit. It’s not long after he arrives in Dallas that he finds himself sitting on Jamie’s bathroom floor, the familiar feeling of the cold razor blade pressed up against his arm. He knows he shouldn’t, they start training in two days, the risk of someone seeing his scars is high, but his arms have been itching since he got here and he can't take it anymore. He doesn't cry anymore when he does it, he hasn't in months. He just slides the razor across his skin, feeling all the tension that's been building up ever since he got that dreaded phone call floating away. 

“Tyler? You okay?” 

Tyler freezes when he hears Jamie’s voice.

“Y-yeah I’m fine. Was just about to hop in the shower.” Tyler’s voice comes out shakier than he would've wanted it to.

“I’m gonna go pick something up for dinner. You want anything?” 

Tyler thought for a second, dinner did sound nice. It's better than laying in bed, sulking, which is what he usually did after nights that ended like this.

“Yeah. I could eat. Just get me whatever you’re getting.” Tyler says, his voice a little more stable.

“Sounds good. I’ll be back in like 20.” Jamie says.

Tyler waits until he hears the apartment door open and close before he moves from his spot on the floor. He stands up, leaning against the sink, taking in his reflection. He could use a shower, actually. He washes off the razor and places it back in his toiletries bag, which he still hasn’t unpacked, in fear that Jamie or Jordie would find his pills, or his razors, or the list of psychiatrists in Dallas that his old one had recommended. He knew that if he was going to be living with Jamie he would have to tell him _eventually._ He would have to tell him about his self-harm and his nightmares and his issues. He _definitely_ didn’t want Jamie to have to find out the hard way. 

He stepped under the hot stream of water, watching it turn red beneath his feet. Tyler found himself crying, now, because everything was just so overwhelming. He didn’t know if his team would like him, he didn’t know if he would make any other friends besides Jamie and Jordie, he didn’t know if would ever feel happy again.

Tyler stayed in the shower until the water turned cold, ending up on the cold, tiled, floor, his back against the wall. When he finally felt stable enough, he stood up, stepping out of the shower. He pulled on Jamie’s Stars sweatshirt, which he might’ve stolen from him when he woke up from one of his nightmares, freezing cold.

He pulls on some sweatpants with it, and makes his way out of the bathroom. Jamie still isn’t home, so he decides to sit on the couch, scrolling through twitter. His phone rings, and he picks it up, without even looking at the caller ID.

It’s Tyler.

“Seggy!”

“Oh. Hey Brownie.”

“How’s Dallas treatin’ you?”

Tyler sighs.

“What’s wrong? Segs. Tell me you didn’t-”

“I did. Okay Brownie? I did. I couldn’t help myself. I-I didn’t know-” Tyler felt the tears coming back.

“Ty, _Ty._ It’s okay. You’re okay. Have you told Jamie?”

Tyler sighed again.

“Segs. You have to tell him. It’s only gonna get worse.”

Before Tyler could respond he heard keys turning in the door.

“I-I know I do. I will. I promise. Just not right now. I will at the right time.”

Jamie walks in the apartment, and smiles when he sees Tyler on the couch.

“You better. Or I’m getting on the first flight to Dallas to kick your ass.”

Tyler frowns. “I have to go. Bye.”

He hangs up before Brownie can get another word in.

“Hey.” He says, looking up at Jamie, as he’s placing the take out on the table.  
“Hey. Who was that?” Jamie asks, looking over at Tyler.

“Just Brownie. Asking me about Dallas and stuff. Where’s Jordie?” He says, getting up and sitting down across from Jamie at the table.

“At this girl’s house. I don’t even think he likes her that much, I think he just wants to get some before camp.”

Tyler laughs. He wouldn’t mind getting some either, it’s been a while, but it’s not like he can bring a stranger into Jamie’s house. And he promised himself he would be someone different when he came here, but that already wasn’t working out.

“I-uh, I got chinese. I don't know if you like it but-”

“I love chinese, Jamie. Don't worry about me.” Which Tyler meant in more ways than just little things like food. When he tells Jamie- _if_ he tells Jamie, he doesn't want him to hover over him like a fucking parent.

Jamie smiles, “Okay. Good.”

-

The bus ride to training camp is too long, and Tyler is tired already. Even though he spent all of yesterday on the couch with Marshall, who he felt like he hadn't seen forever. He sits next to Jamie on the bus to Fort Worth, the only person he trusts to sit with.

The first day of camp is pretty easy, in Tyler’s opinion, and luckily no one looks long enough at him to see his arms. He assigned a room with Jamie, of course, so they can “build chemistry” and Tyler’s more than fine with that. He knows that if he would have been put with anyone else he would’ve asked to switch anyway. Camp is going really really well for him.

Until Jamie catches him with his pills.

“It’s nothing, really. I’m just a little deficient in calcium, and I have a little anxiety.” Tyler explains, hands shaking at his side. More like a _lot_ of anxiety.

“As long as it’s not like, steroids, or something illegal-wait it’s not right?”

Tyler manages out a shaky laugh.

“No, no. All legal.”

Tyler finds himself being half honest again. He hates lying to Jamie, he really does but he’s just _not ready._

Besides the little pill incident, Tyler feels great. He’s starting to form friendships with other players and prospects, giving the younger guys some advice about the NHL, and he feels like he’s never been this physically fit in his life. 

As he’s climbing under the covers on night four, he thinks that Dallas might not be that bad after all.

\- - -

Jamie’s absolutely ecstatic about the upcoming season. Day four has been great, he feels really confident about Tyler and his _team,_ he knows this is their year.

He falls asleep happy, anxiously waiting for October.

He wakes up when he hears voices. He sits up in his bed and looks around his and Tyler’s hotel room. He has to be hearing things. He lays back down and the it happens again, louder this time. He looks over at Tyler and sees him tossing and turning in his bed.

And then, Tyler _screams._ A full-out, horror movie scream. _In his sleep._

Jamie feels like he should just let it pass, everyone has nightmares once in a while. But then he does it _again._

Jamie slowly pulls back the sheets and climbs out of his bed. He walks slowly over to Tyler’s bed, still contemplating whether or not he should wake him up. Tyler is hyperventilating and Jamie can see the slight beads of sweat dripping down his face.

“Ty. Ty. Wake up.” Jamie whispers, reaching down to place his hand on Tyler’s shoulder.

Tyler stirs, but doesn’t wake up, turning the other way, away from Jamie.

“Tyler. Seggy. Wake up.” Jamie says a little louder, shaking Tyler a bit.

When that still doesn’t work, Jamie sits down on the edge of the bed, sighing.

“Tyler. Wake up. You’re dreaming.” Jamie says, shaking him harder, causing Tyler to finally wake up, sitting up so fast it scares Jamie.

Tyler’s breathing is still fast, and Jamie finds himself pulling a sweaty Tyler into his arms. Tyler places his forehead on Jamie’s shoulder, trying desperately to get his breathing under control. He feels himself starting to cry, he thought he was so careful. He thought he could control his nightmares.

“Tyler it’s okay. You’re okay. It was just a dream. I’m here.” Jamie says, softly.

Tyler sobs into Jamie’s shirt, he feels like shit.

They stay like this for a while. For what feels like hours to Tyler. He feels so incredibly bad for waking Jamie, that he’s going to be the reason for Jamie being tired for tomorrow, that Jamie has to take pity on him. Every sob he lets out just makes him feel worse.

Jamie rubs Tyler’s back soothingly. He knew there was more behind Tyler’s big-bad party boy image. He always knew Tyler was nice, from the first day he met him. He knew there was something deeper, he was just waiting for it to show. It was showing now.

When Tyler finally calms down, Jamie is the first to break the silence.

“Are you okay?” He asks, slowly and cautiously.

Tyler shakes his head. “No.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Tyler shakes his head again.

“Do you think you can go back to sleep?” 

Tyler nods.

Jamie pats his back on last time before he goes to get up, but Tyler grabs his wrist.

Jamie turns around and looks down at Tyler.

“Stay. Please.” Tyler says, softly. 

Jamie smiles softly at Tyler.

“Move over.” 

Tyler does as he’s told, and Jamie slides in next to him.

“Night Seggy.”

“Night Jamie. Thank you.” Tyler says, barely above a whisper.

And for the first time, in God knows how long, Tyler falls asleep feeling happy, and safe, knowing that he’s okay. He’ll be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Iistennnnnn I know this chapter sucked...except maybe the end but I promise it'll get better as the story goes on...I'm terrible at writing the beginning of stories when I have such a good idea of how I want everything to come together in the middle. Anywaysss I hop you stick with this story because I work really hard on it everyday and I promise I'll try to make updates more frequent once finals and school is over. Love you lots <3
> 
> P.S. 605 hits?!?!?!?! (as of me writing this) thank you so much <3


End file.
